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Disorganized Attachment: Signs, Trauma Links & How to Heal
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You desire intimacy - yet it can also feel threatening at times. So, you end up pushing people away only to worry when they leave. Relationships are like puzzles that you can never get quite right. For a lot of people, this pattern is their disorganized attachment style, and the first step towards changing it is understanding it.
What Is Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment is just one of the four attachment styles. Attachment styles refer to the ways people relate to others, which are established during early childhood based on caretaker interactions. When the adult a child depends on for comfort and safety is also the one causing fear and unpredictability, disorganized attachment arises.
This situation is very confusing for the child because on the one hand, they have to move towards the caregiver to be comforted, but on the other hand, they have to move away from the caregiver to be safe. As a consequence, the child's internal model of relationships becomes disorganized and very conflicting.
The other three attachment styles - secure, anxious, and avoidant - are all based on organized strategies as a way of dealing with attachment relationships. Disorganized attachment, however, is different because there is no consistent strategy. Developmental psychologists Main and Hesse first recognized it as a separate style in 1990 and they mainly found disorganized attachment in children who were abused, neglected, or had parents with unresolved traumatic experiences.
In a worldwide review published in the Psychological Bulletin looked at over 20,000 infant-caregiver pairs in 285 studies, about 15 out of every 100 infants were found to have disorganized attachment - this is a lot more than what people had thought before.
Disorganized Attachment in Adults
Adults who have disorganized attachment may be caught in a cycle of going forward and coming back that they themselves cannot fully understand or control. The disorganized attachment style does not simply disappear when people grow up. It transforms into patterns that are reflected in romantic relationships, friendships, and the therapeutic relationship.
Here are a few common indications of disorganized attachment style in adults:
|
Pattern |
What It Looks Like |
|
Fear of intimacy |
Wanting closeness but feeling unsafe when it arrives |
|
Push-pull behavior |
Pulling people close, then pushing them away |
|
Emotional flooding |
Intense, fast-moving emotional reactions in relationships |
|
Difficulty trusting |
Expecting abandonment or betrayal even when none is signaled |
|
Dissociation |
Checking out emotionally during conflict or intimacy |
|
People-pleasing |
Suppressing needs to avoid triggering rejection or anger |
|
Self-sabotage |
Undermining relationships that are going well |
Disorganized Attachment and Fearful Avoidant
Regarding adult attachment research, disorganized attachment is a type of attachment that enough people identify with timely by the fearful avoidant style. Also, it is in many cases called "fearful avoidant attachment".
The ones that possess that kind of personality, definitely on a conscious level, they desire closeness in relationships but they also, on an unconscious level, are afraid of them. They have high levels both of anxiety and of avoidance when it comes to intimacy, which is a rare combination that results in the characteristic push-pull behavior described previously.
This is completely different from the dismissive-avoidant style, where a person manages to emotionally detach without any feeling of fear and the longing of intimacy. The fearful avoidant style of attachment is more deeply conflicted on the inside and is more emotionally distressing in a way that it is difficult to live with.
Disorganized Attachment Trauma Connection
Disorganized attachment trauma has been extensively researched. One paper published in ScienceDirect revealed that adult disorganized attachment accounted for a large part of the impact of childhood trauma on externalizing behaviors in adult relationships, even when current abuse was taken into account. To put it differently, early trauma doesn't only affect childhood; it determines the way you relate to others for decades later.
A systematic review that appeared in the British Journal of Clinical Psychology (Pollard et al., 2023) has shown that adult disorganized attachment is linked to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and dissociative symptoms regularly, which is why it is among the most clinically important attachment styles to recognize and treat.
Wondering whether your relationship patterns could be a sign of disorganized attachment or another mental health issue? August - an AI health assistant that scored 100% on medical licensing exams - can inform you of what you are going through and getting you ready with the right questions for your therapy session even before your first visit.
How to Heal Disorganized Attachment
Eventually, many individuals with this attachment style wonder how to heal disorganized attachment. The research couldn’t be clearer: healing is a real possibility, and through the brain’s ability to form new relational patterns, or neuroplasticity, we can still change our attachment styles well into adulthood.
Some of the best evidence-based methods include:
Attachment-oriented psychotherapy
Working on the therapeutic alliance itself (for example, through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or psychodynamic therapy) helps you feel a safe, reliable bond that slowly alters your craving for closeness.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
EMDR is a trauma treatment method that enables the brain to reprocess traumatic memories of attachment injuries. There is strong proof of its effectiveness for trauma and an increasing number of therapists are advocating its use for attachment injuries as well.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS targets the protective aspects in your personality that were formed to keep you safe when you experienced early danger. In fact, for those with disorganized attachment, IFS is highly effective because it treats even the most fractious inner states with open-mindedness instead of condemnation.
Steadfast, secure connections
In fact, change is not limited to therapy alone. Consistent, well-operated friendships and relationships, where you practice remaining present as opposed to running away or merging, are an essential element of sustained change.
Self-compassion strategies
The latest studies keep confirming that self-compassion, being kind and understanding toward yourself, just like you would to a dear friend, helps to mitigate the shame and self-criticism which are often caused by disorganized attachment and serve to keep the pattern going.
Key Takeaways
Disorganized attachment is definitely not a life sentence. It is a conditioned response to early experiences that were genuinely fear-provoking or very unpredictable - and as all conditioned behaviors, it can be changed with the right help. Identifying that you have a disorganized attachment pattern in yourself is not something that should make you feel guilty. It is the first step in figuring out why your relationships have been so difficult, and what you can do about it.
If you decide to make a start, August is there to help you understand your patterns, figure out which therapy type might be good for you, and stand confidently at your first session.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is‍‌‍‍‌‍‌‍‍‌ disorganized attachment the same as fearful avoidant?
Is‍‌‍‍‌‍‌‍‍‌ disorganized attachment the same as fearful avoidant?
In fact, they are very much intertwined. A fearful avoidant individual is basically an adult version of a disorganized infant attachment - someone who desires closeness but is also afraid of it. The majority of scholars consider them to be the same underlying pattern.
Can disorganized attachment be healed?
Can disorganized attachment be healed?
Exactly. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's ability to develop new relational templates at any stage of life. Attachment-oriented therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and regular safe relationships are some of the ways that healing can take place meaningfully.
What causes disorganized attachment?
What causes disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment is, by and large, a result of the primary caregiver also being the child's source of fear - through abusing, neglecting, or being haunted by their own trauma. However, it can be the outcome of a child's sudden loss, illness, or a severely inconsistent caregiver as well.
Does disorganized attachment always involve abuse?
Does disorganized attachment always involve abuse?
No. A parent's unresolved grief, mental health problems, or behavior that scares the child can result in the child developing disorganized attachment even if the parent has not intentionally abused the child. The child having no source of safety that is consistent only makes the situation worse.
How does disorganized attachment affect romantic relationships?
How does disorganized attachment affect romantic relationships?
In general, it causes a push-pull pattern: the individual desires closeness very much, but then hides or pulls away when closeness is offered. Often the couple will describe their relationship as unpredictable, intense, and confusing.
Can someone with disorganized attachment have a healthy relationship?
Can someone with disorganized attachment have a healthy relationship?
Absolutely - especially if they are aware of themselves, get therapeutic assistance, and have a partner who is calm and consistently emotionally available. A good number of individuals who exhibited this pattern form secure, stable relationships as time goes on.
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