Ukulila Okuyimbi: Izimpawu, Izimbangela, Nokwelashwa

Ukulila okuyimbi kwenzeka lapho inqubo yokwelapha emvelo ngemva kokulahlekelwa umuntu omthandayo ihluleka, kukushiya uzizwa uvaleleke ebuhlungwini obukhulu obungapheli ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Ngesikhathi ukulila kuvame ukuncipha futhi kube lula ngezinyanga, ukulila okuyimbi kukugcina uvaleleke ebuhlungwini obukhulu, obukhulu bokulahlekelwa kwasekuqaleni.

Lokhu akuyona nje ‘ukuthatha isikhathi eside ukwelapha’ noma ‘ukuba nomzwelo kakhulu.’ Kuyisimo esiqondisiwe lapho impendulo yakho yokulila iba yinkulu kangangokuthi iphazamisa ikhono lakho lokusebenza ekuphileni kwansuku zonke, ngisho nezinyanga noma iminyaka ngemva kokulahlekelwa kwakho.

Ziyini izimpawu zokulila okuyimbi?

Izimpawu zokulila okuyimbi zizwakala njengokubambekele esigabeni sokuqala, esibuhlungu kakhulu sokukhuleka ngaphandle kokukhululeka. Ungase uqaphele ukuthi ngesikhathi abanye abantu abakuzungezile bebonakala beqhubeka, uzizwa uvaleleke esikhathini.

Nazi izimpawu ezivame kakhulu zokuthi ukulila kungase kube yimbi:

• Ukufisa nokulangazelela okukhulu umuntu ofileyo okunganciphisi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi
• Ukukhubazeka kokwamukela iqiniso lokufa, ngisho nezinyanga kamuva
• Ukungabi namzwelo noma ukungakwazi ukuzwa imizwelo ngaphandle kokulila
• Ulaka olukhulu noma intukuthelo ngokulahlekelwa
• Ukuzizwa sengathi impilo ayinasisindo noma injongo ngaphandle komuntu omthandayo
• Ukukwazi ukuthembela kwabanye noma ukwakha ubuhlobo obusha
• Ukukhubazeka ukuqhubeka nempilo noma ukwenza izinqumo
• Ukugwema abantu, izindawo, noma imisebenzi ekukhumbuza ngomuntu ofileyo
• Izinkinga zokulala, kufaka phakathi amaphupha amabi ngokulahlekelwa
• Izimpawu zomzimba ezifana nobuhlungu esifubeni, izikhathi zikhanda, noma izinkinga zokugaya ukudla

Okwenza lezi zimpawu zibe nzima ngokukhethekile ukuphikelela kwazo nobukhulu bazo. Ngesikhathi lezi mizwelo zivamile ekulilini kwasekuqaleni, ukulila okuyimbi kusho ukuthi ziyaqhubeka ngamandla aphelele ngaphandle kokuncipha kwemvelo ngezinyanga eziningi.

Yini ebangela ukulila okuyimbi?

Ukulila okuyimbi kuthuthukiswa lapho kukhona okuthile okuhlupha ikhono lengqondo yakho lokucubungula nokuzivumelanisa nokulahlekelwa. Cabanga ngakho njengoba isitha esingapholi kahle ngoba kukhona okuqhubeka sikucasula.

Izici eziningana zingase zifake isandla kule ndlela enzima yokulila:

• Ukufa okungazelelwe, okungaqondakali, noma okubuhlungu okushiya ungenalo isikhathi sokulungiselela
• Ukufa okuhilela ubudlova, ingozi, noma ukuzibulala
• Ukulahlekelwa umuntu owayenobudlelwane obuseduze, obuxhomeke kakhulu nawe
• Ukuba nezingxabano ezingaxazululiwe noma imizwelo emibi ngomuntu ofileyo
• Ukwehluleka kokusekelwa komphakathi ngesikhathi senqubo yakho yokulila
• Izivivinyo zangaphambili zokucindezeleka, ukukhathazeka, noma ezinye izimo zempilo yengqondo
• Ukulahlekelwa okuningi okuvela eduze ndawonye
• Izici zakho zomuntu siqu, njengokuba nokukhathazeka okukhulu noma ukuba nobunzima ngoshintsho

Ngezinye izikhathi ukulila okuyimbi kuthuthukiswa lapho uzizwa unomthwalo wemfanelo ngokufa noma ukholelwa ukuthi ungakubeka.

Nini kufanele ubona udokotela ngokulila okuyimbi?

Kufanele ucabange ngokuqhagela usizo lochwepheshe uma izimpawu zakho zokulila zihlala zinkulu futhi azishintshi ngemva kwezinyanga eziyisithupha, noma uma ziyakuvimba kakhulu ekuphileni kwakho kwansuku zonke. Akukho nhliziyo ekuthini udinga usizo oluengeziwe ngalesi sikhathi esinzima.

Nazi izimpawu ezithile ezibonisa ukuthi sekufanele ufune ukunakekelwa kochwepheshe:

• Awukwazi ukwamukela iqiniso lokufa ngemva kwezinyanga eziningi
• Ukulila kwakho kuzwakala kukhulu futhi kubhlungu njengoba kwakunjalo emasontweni okuqala ngemva kokulahlekelwa
• Ucabanga ngokufuna ukufa noma ukujoyina umuntu omthandayo
• Awukwazi ukusebenza ezindaweni ezibalulekile zokuphila njengomsebenzi, ubuhlobo, noma ukunakekela kwakho
• Usebenzisa utshwala, izidakamizwa, noma ezinye izinto zokwelapha ukuze ubhekane nobuhlungu
• Abangane nomndeni bakhathazekile ngokuphila kwakho okuhle
• Uzizwa ungenathemba ngokuphelele ngekusasa

Khumbula, ukufuna usizo akusho ukuthi ubuthakathaka noma ukuthi uthande umuntu wakho ngokuncane. Usizo lochwepheshe lungakusiza ukuba uhloniphe uthando lwakho ngesikhathi uthola indlela yokuthwala lolo thando phambili ngendlela enempilo.

Ziyini izici ezingase zikhulise ukulila okuyimbi?

Izimo ezithile nezici zomuntu siqu zingenza umuntu abe sengozini enkulu yokuthuthukisa ukulila okuyimbi. Ukuqonda lezi zici ezingase zikhulise ingozi kungakusiza uqaphele lapho usizo oluengeziwe lungase ludingeke khona.

Izici ezingase zikhulise ingozi ezibaluleke kakhulu zihlanganisa:

• Ubukhulu bobuhlobo - ukulahlekelwa ingane, umlingani, noma umuntu owayeseduze kakhulu nawe
• Indlela umuntu afile ngayo - ukufa okungazelelwe, ukuzibulala, ubudlova, noma izingozi
• Isitayela sakho sokuhlangana - uma uthanda ukuxhomeka kakhulu ebuhlotsheni obuseduze
• Izinselele zempilo yengqondo zangaphambili njengokucindezeleka noma ukukhathazeka
• Ukusekelwa komphakathi okulinganiselwe noma ukuzizwa uwedwa ekulilini kwakho
• Ukuba owesifazane (abesifazane banesilinganiso esikhulu sokuthuthukisa ukulila okuyimbi)
• Ukuba omdala, njengoba ukufa kungase kubonise ukulahlekelwa okuningi ngesikhathi esisodwa
• Ukuba uhlangane nokulahlekelwa okuningi okubalulekile esikhathini esifushane

Ukuba nezici ezingase zikhulise ingozi akusho ukuthi uzokuthuthukisa ngokuqinisekile ukulila okuyimbi. Abantu abaningi abanezi zimo ezifanayo bayaphila ngokulila kwabo ngokwemvelo ngesikhathi nosizo. Lezi zici zisho nje ukunaka ngokwengeziwe inqubo yakho yokwelapha.

Ziyini izinhlanganisela ezingase zenzeke ngokulila okuyimbi?

Uma ukulila okuyimbi kungaphathwa, kungadala uchungechunge lwezinye izinkinga ezithinta yonke ingxenye yokuphila kwakho. Uxinzelelo oluqhubekayo lokulila okungaxazululiwe luthatha umthwalo wangempela empilweni yakho yengqondo nomzimba.

Izinhlanganisela ezivamile ezingase zithuthukiswe zihlanganisa:

• Ukucindezeleka okukhulu okudlula ukudumazeka okuvamile kokulila
• Isimo sokukhathazeka, kufaka phakathi ukuhlaselwa kokukhathazeka nokukhathazeka komphakathi
• I-Post-traumatic stress disorder, ikakhulukazi uma ukufa kwakubuhlungu
• Ukusebenzisa kabi izidakamizwa njengendlela yokunciphisa ubuhlungu obuqhubekayo
• Isimo sokulala nokuntuleka kokulala okungapheli
• Izinkinga zenhliziyo, njengoba uxinzelelo oluqhubekayo luthinta impilo yomzimba
• I-immune system ebuthakathaka eholela ekuguleni njalo
• Ukuzihlukanisa komphakathi nokulimala kobuhlobo
• Izinkinga zomsebenzi noma esikoleni ngenxa yokungakwazi ukugxila
• Imicabango noma izenzo zokuzibulala ezimweni ezinkulu

Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi lezi zinhlanganisela zivame ukuvimbelwa noma ukwelashwa ngokunakekelwa okufanele. Ukuthola usizo ngokulila okuyimbi kungayeka le nqubo yokwehla futhi kukusize ubuyisele impilo yakho nokuphumula kwakho.

Ukulila okuyimbi kunqunywa kanjani?

Ukunqunywa kokulila okuyimbi kuhilela ingxoxo enhle nochwepheshe wezempilo yengqondo oqeqeshwe ekulilini nokulahlekelwa. Akukho ukuhlolwa kwegazi noma ukuskena kwalesi simo - esikhundleni salokho, udokotela wakho uzofuna ukuqonda isipiliyoni sakho nokuthi sithinta kanjani impilo yakho.

Ngesikhathi sokuhlolwa kwakho, umhlinzeki wakho wezempilo uzocela ngalokhu:

• Imininingwane yokulahlekelwa kwakho nokuthi kwenzeke nini
• Indlela izimpawu zakho zokulila zishintshile (noma zihlale zifana) ngokuhamba kwesikhathi
• Indlela lezi zimpawu zithinta ngayo ukusebenza kwakho kwansuku zonke
• Ubuhlobo bakho nomuntu ofileyo
• Uhlelo lwakho lokusekelwa namasu okubhekana nezimo
• Ezinye izimpawu zempilo yengqondo ozibhekana nazo
• Umbhalo wakho womuntu siqu nomlando womndeni wezimo zempilo yengqondo

Umhlinzeki wakho uzofuna futhi ukukhipha ezinye izimo ezingase zibonakale zifana nokulila okuyimbi, njengokucindezeleka okukhulu noma i-PTSD. Lokhu kuhlolwa okuhle kukusiza uqinisekise ukuthi uthola ukwelashwa okufanele kakhulu isimo sakho esithile.

Yikuphi ukwelashwa kokulila okuyimbi?

Ukwelashwa kokulila okuyimbi kugxile ekusikuseni ukucubungula ukulahlekelwa kwakho ngendlela enempilo ngesikhathi ufunda ukuthwala uthando lwakho phambili ekuphileni kwakho okuqhubekayo. Izindlela ezisebenza kakhulu zenzelwe ngokukhethekile ukulila, hhayi nje ukwelashwa kokucindezeleka noma ukukhathazeka okuvamile.

Izindlela zokwelapha eziyinhloko zihlanganisa:

• Ukwelashwa kokulila okuyimbi (CGT) - uhlobo oluqeqeshwe ngokukhethekile lokwelashwa oluqondisiwe kulesi simo
• Ukwelashwa kokuziphatha okuqondisiwe okuvumelaniswe nokulila
• Amaqembu okusekela nabanye ababhekana nokulahlekelwa okufanayo
• Imithi efana ne-antidepressants, ikakhulukazi uma ukucindezeleka kukhona
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) uma kukhona ubuhlungu
• Izindlela ezisekelwe ekuqapheleni ukuze usizo ekuphatheni imizwelo ebukhulu

Ukwelashwa kokulila okuyimbi kubonise isithembiso esikhethekile, kusiza cishe amaphesenti angu-70 abantu abaqeda ukwelashwa. Lokhu kwelashwa kukusiza ukuba uqale ukubhekana neqiniso lokulahlekelwa kwakho ngesikhathi uxhumeka kabusha nempilo nobuhlobo ngezindlela ezinohlonipho.

Ukwelashwa akusho ‘ukweqa’ umuntu omthandayo noma ukumkhalipha. Esikhundleni salokho, kusho ukuthola indlela yokhlonipha uthando lwakho ngesikhathi uvumela ukuzibandakanya nempilo futhi.

Ungaphatha kanjani ukulila okuyimbi ekhaya?

Ngesikhathi ukwelashwa kochwepheshe kuvame ukudingeka ngokulila okuyimbi, kunezindlela zokusekela ongazisebenzisa ekhaya ukuze ugcine ukunakekelwa kwakho kochwepheshe. Lezi zindlela zingakusiza ukuba uphathe izikhathi ezinzima futhi uxhumeke kabusha nempilo kancane kancane.

Nazi ezinye izindlela zokuphatha ekhaya ezisiza:

• Dala uhlelo lwansuku zonke oluhlanganisa imigomo emincane, elula
• Zama ukunakekela kwakho ngomusa njengokugeza amanzi afudumele noma ukulalela umculo ozolile
• Beka isikhathi esithile nsuku zonke ukukhumbula umuntu omthandayo
• Bhala izincwadi kumuntu omthandayo ofileyo noma gcina idayari yokulila
• Xhumana nabangane noma umndeni abasekelayo njalo
• Zama imisebenzi yomzimba elula njengokuhamba, okungasiza umoya wakho
• Linganisela utshwala futhi ugweme izidakamizwa, ezingenza izimpawu zokulila zibe zimbi
• Zama amasu okuphumula njengokuphefumula okujulile noma i-yoga ezolile
• Cabanga ngezindlela ezinohlonipho zokukhumbula umuntu omthandayo

Khumbula ukuthi intuthuko ngokulila okuyimbi ngokuvamile kwenzeka kancane kakhulu, ngezinye izikhathi eziphezulu neziphansi. Yiba nomonde futhi ube nomusa kuwe ngesikhathi uhamba ngale nqubo enzima.

Kufanele ulungiselele kanjani i-aphoyintimenti yakho nodokotela?

Ukulungiselela i-aphoyintimenti yakho kungakusiza uthole okuningi ngesikhathi sakho nomhlinzeki wakho wezempilo. Uma ulila, kungase kube nzima ukuhlela imicabango yakho, ngakho ukuba nenqubo kungasiza kakhulu.

Ngaphambi kwe-aphoyintimenti yakho, cabanga ngokulungiselela:

• Isikhathi esifushane sokulahlekelwa kwakho nokuthi izimpawu zakho ziye zathuthuka kanjani
• Uhlu lwezimpawu ezithile ozibhekana nazo nokuthi zithinta kanjani impilo yakho yansuku zonke
• Ulwazi mayelana nobuhlobo bakho nomuntu ofileyo
• Uhlelo lwakho lokusekelwa lwamanje nosizo oluvele lukhona
• Imithi noma izinto ozisebenzisayo njengamanje
• Imibuzo mayelana nezindlela zokwelapha nokuthi yini okulindelekile
• Umbhalo wakho wezokwelapha nanoma yikuphi ukwelashwa kwempilo yengqondo kwangaphambili

Ungakhathazeki ngokuba nezimpendulo eziphelele kakhulu. Umhlinzeki wakho wezempilo uyaqonda ukuthi ukulila kungenza kube nzima ukucabanga ngokucacile, futhi ulapho ukuqondisa ngenqubo yokuthola usizo olukuthola.

Yini eyinhloko mayelana nokulila okuyimbi?

Into ebaluleke kakhulu okumele uyiqonde ngokulila okuyimbi ukuthi kuyisimo sangempela, esingaphathwa esingelona iphutha lakho. Uma ukulila kwakho kuzwakala kunamathele noma kukhulu ngemva kwezinyanga ngemva kokulahlekelwa kwakho, awuye ubuthakathaka, futhi awuhloniphi umuntu omthandayo ngokufuna usizo.

Ukulila okuyimbi kuthinta cishe amaphesenti angu-7-10 abantu abalile, ngakho awuwedwa kule sipiliyoni. Ngokwelashwa okufanele, abantu abaningi bathola impumuzo futhi bafunda ukuthwala uthando lwabo ngendlela evumela ukuzibandakanya nempilo futhi.

Ukwelapha akusho ukukhohlwa umuntu omthandayo noma ‘ukuqhubeka’ ngendlela abantu abavame ukusikisela ngayo. Esikhundleni salokho, kusho ukuthola indlela yokhlonipha uthando lwakho ngesikhathi uvumela ukuzizwa ujabule, uxhumane, futhi ube nenjongo ekuphileni kwakho okuqhubekayo.

Imibuzo evame ukubuzwa mayelana nokulila okuyimbi

Ukulila okuvamile kuhlala isikhathi esingakanani uma kuqhathaniswa nokulila okuyimbi?

Ukulila okuvamile ngokuvamile kuqala ukuncipha futhi kube lula ngaphakathi kwezinyanga eziyi-6-12, nakuba amaza okudumazeka angaqhubeka. Ngokulila okuyimbi, izimpawu ezinzima, ezinkulu zokulila kwasekuqaleni zihlala zingashintshi izinyanga noma iminyaka eminingi ngaphandle kokuthuthuka kwemvelo.

Ingabe izingane zingathuthukisa ukulila okuyimbi?

Yebo, izingane nezinsizwa zingathuthukisa ukulila okuyimbi, nakuba kungase kubonakale kuhlukile kunasekubantu abadala. Izingane zingase zibonise izinkinga zokuziphatha eziqhubekayo, ubunzima besikole, noma ukubuyela emuva ekuthuthukeni. Zivame ukuzuza ekuqeqeshweni kokulila okuqondisiwe elungiselelwe iqembu labo leminyaka.

Ingabe ukulila okuyimbi kufana nokucindezeleka?

Ngesikhathi ukulila okuyimbi nokucindezeleka kungase kwenzeke ndawonye futhi kuhlangane ngezimpawu ezithile, kuyizimo ezihlukile. Ukulila okuyimbi kugxile ngokukhethekile ekulahlekelweni nasekufiseni umuntu ofileyo, ngesikhathi ukucindezeleka kuthinta umoya wakho jikelele kanye nentshisekelo yakho ekuphileni ngokubanzi.

Ngizokwazi yini ukujabula futhi uma nginokulila okuyimbi?

Yebo, ngokwelashwa okufanele, abantu abano kulila okuyimbi bangajabula futhi. Ukwelashwa kukusiza ufunde ukuthwala uthando lwakho ngomuntu omthandayo ofileyo kanye nekhono lakho lokuzibandakanya nokujabulela impilo.

Kufanele ngigweme yini izinto ezikhumbuza ngomuntu omthandayo uma nginokulila okuyimbi?

Eqinisweni, ukugwema izinto ezikhumbuza ngokuvamile kwenza ukulila okuyimbi kube zimbi. Ukwelashwa okuphumelelayo ngokuvamile kuhilela ukubhekana ngokuhamba kancane nangomusa nezikhumbuzo ngendlela esekelwayo, okusiza ingqondo yakho ukuba icubungule ukulahlekelwa ngokwemvelo.